I Like This One So Much I'm Posting It Again.
Internal Memo: Anti-American League of Lesbian Homeless Marxist Blue-State Vote Recounters
From: the “good” guys
To: the “bad” guys
The following holidays are officially cancelled. This includes all mention of said holidays and festivities that bear the same. Please refer further complaints to ACLU and understand that if you do not find your least favorite holiday on this cancelled list keep in mind we are doing our best to rid society of all the ills mankind has dreamed up to celebrate. Thank You, and fight the power.
1) New Year's Day: CANCELLED- what gives someone the right to celebrate on January 1st, there are at least three other calenders used throughout the world who do not get a day off for their respective new year's day. Courtesy the Islamic, Bahai, Chinese, Hebrew, and Satanic calender makers.
2) Groundhog Day: CANCELLED- poor little groundhog, what gives anyone the right to force that furry little creature to wake up at the crack of dawn. And what about the other furry little creatures who don't have their own holidays. Courtesy of PETA, greenpeace, sierra club, and furry little creature support groups in and around Punxatawney, PA.
3) President's Day: CANCELLED- this holiday is officially cancelled because of complaints by those who take offense to the electoral college. It is unfair that all the votes do not get counted. So no elected official should be celebrated. Courtesy of Florida '00, Ohio '04, New Mexico '04, and all those people in New York who think their vote should count twice as much as a vote from Indiana.
4) Ash Wednesday: CANCELLED- it seems obvious that to get ash someone has to burn something, therefore hazardous, polluting, ozone depleting smoke is being produced, and we can't have that. Courtesy the Sierra Club, Greenpeace, and people against fire.
5) Mardi Gras: CANCELLED- not enough people actually no what the words “mardi” and “gras” mean, so we can't offend those who do not understand the French language. Also, no other days of the week are called fat. Courtesy RIF, non-French speakers, and overeaters anonymous.
6) St. Patrick's Day: CANCELLED- this holiday cancellation is brought to us by the one Irishmen in Idaho who is a tea-totaller, and by those people who are red-green colorblind. It may be difficult for those people to pickout an oufit on this day. Courtesy AA in Idaho, and those with a natural allergic reaction to the color green.
7) April Fool's Day: CANCELLED- the fools have been made fun of long enough. We must put a stop to fool discrimination no matter what month. August fools don't get celebrated. Courtesy August fools, September fools, October fools, etc.
8) Passover: CANCELLED- individuals who have been passed over for jobs and other promotions may take personal offense to this holiday, ie. Howard Dean, Pete Rose. Also those people who work late-shift may still be in bed when the observance begins at sunset. Courtesy Deaniacs, and the late shift at Waffle House.
9) Easter: CANCELLED- No-brainer, Christianity = BAD. Also, what about Wester, Souther, Norther. Courtesy those who cannot forget the Crusades, and the directionaly challenged.
10) Earth Day: CANCELLED- a holiday is not meant to make any of the nine known planets feel superior to the rest. Equality for all beings from somewhere other than Earth. It should be called Planet Day. Courtesy Martians, and the Raelians.
11) Mother's Day: CANCELLED- What about children who have two daddies? Also the pro-choice crowd thinks that this holiday is some sort of ploy by the pro-life movement. We cannot discriminate against women who have the capacity to be mothers but chose not to be. Courtesy NOW, Planned Parenthood, and the short lived T. V. sitcom “My Two Dads”.
12) Memorial Day: CANCELLED- we should not memoralize illegal, hawkish, brutish thugs. Until there is a holiday to honor those who chose not to serve, this holiday is cancelled. Boardwalk vendors are currently protesting this decision. Courtesy all the rioters at the WTO, and Bill Clinton.
13) Flag Day: CANCELLED- not only do people take offense to this day because they cannot exercise their right of free speech, that is to burn “Old Glory”, but the stripes offend triskaidekaphobiacs. Courtesy members of ELF who are not that concerned with the carcinogenic by-products of burning stuff.
14) Father's Day:CANCELLED- this is an obvious fill in the blank cancellation, children with two moms, women who had children from sperm bank donors, etc. Also women who found it necessary to have upwards of five children all with different fathers find it hard to buy gifts for them all. By the way the Y chromosome will become obsolete eventually anyway. To take a step further than we should, it may also be contstrued as a religious holiday, because it has been heard that Christians refer to God as the father almighty.Courtesy NOW, Amazons, and checkout: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/connected/main.jhtml?xml=/connected/2004/05/12/ecfmi ce12.xml
15) Independence Day: CANCELLED- fireworks are dangerous, the flag may actually offend illegal aliens, and what about those loyalists who still have not gotten over the defeat at Yorktown. We would not want to sadden them again. By the way red, white and blue are so out this year. Courtesy Tijuana, children with sparkler scars, and the fashion channel.
16) Labor Day: CANCELLED- has any one seen the jobless rate lately? It is at about 5%, that means if my math is right, 11 million or so people would be made to feel worse because they do not have a job. We can't have that, and its cancelled in protest of the lack of a $25.00 minimum wage. Courtesy communists, GAP employees, and lazy people.
17) Columbus Day: CANCELLED- everyone knows the Vikings got here first, and there is no Eric the Red Day. It also goes without saying that C.C. brought with him diseases that killed thousands who should all be given restitution. Courtesy Norsemen, all those opposed to your local K.O.C. chapter, and Indian medicine men.
18) Halloween: CANCELLED- big candy companies need to be stopped, diabetics should hide on Oct. 31 no more, and no other multi-deistic religions like the pagans have there own holiday. We find it offensive that parents find it necessary to dress their children in cognito and parade them around neighborhoods like little forced laborers (see Labor Day above). Never mind the fact that the phrase, “trick or treat” may confuse and embarrass prostitutes. Courtesy the anti-big candy wing of truth.com, sex for profit workers of America Local 069, and people who scare easily.
19) Veterans Day: CANCELLED- give peace a chance. If we were nice to everyone then there would be no wars. If there are no wars then there would be no need for a military. If there were no military then there would be no veterans. This holiday perpetuates a cycle of violence. We suggest a “be nice to people” day. Courtesy peaceniks, hippies, goodniks, and just plain out of the closet cowards.
20) Thanksgiving: CANCELLED- we are not completely set on why this should be cancelled. We need to think a little longer...something will come to us...someone has to be offended somewhere...Oh yeah! Turkey are people too! Courtesy PETA, Perdue chicken farmers, and Ben Franklin, who if he got his way, a bald eagle would be on everyone's plate the last Thurs. in November.
21) This holiday offends so many it should not even be written down, you know the one where everyone crowds shopping malls and everyone is supposed to be so friggin' jolly, Bah Humbug!: CANCELLED- this holiday perpetuates the idea that it is okay to be fat by suggesting to everyone to lay out a plate of cookies with a glass of whole milk for a morbidly obese senior citizen (his knees have to hurt). Also, St. Nicholas was not really that nice anyway, (read: http://www.nationalreview.com/jgraham/graham200412230920.asp). Lastly, people are made to feel inferior in places like Quintana Roo, Mexico; Key West, Florida; Queenstown, South Africa; and Labrador, New Zealand where they never have a white Xmas. Screw you Bing Crosby! Courtesy Ebby Scrooge, Michael Newdow, King Herod's ancestors, the people against the manufacturing of frankincence and myrrh (San Francisco Chapter), and everyone who thinks shepards should lay down there crooks and stick it to the man.
Ever Onward,
Name withheld because W. has storm- troopers every where!? Damn cowboy!
From: the “good” guys
To: the “bad” guys
The following holidays are officially cancelled. This includes all mention of said holidays and festivities that bear the same. Please refer further complaints to ACLU and understand that if you do not find your least favorite holiday on this cancelled list keep in mind we are doing our best to rid society of all the ills mankind has dreamed up to celebrate. Thank You, and fight the power.
1) New Year's Day: CANCELLED- what gives someone the right to celebrate on January 1st, there are at least three other calenders used throughout the world who do not get a day off for their respective new year's day. Courtesy the Islamic, Bahai, Chinese, Hebrew, and Satanic calender makers.
2) Groundhog Day: CANCELLED- poor little groundhog, what gives anyone the right to force that furry little creature to wake up at the crack of dawn. And what about the other furry little creatures who don't have their own holidays. Courtesy of PETA, greenpeace, sierra club, and furry little creature support groups in and around Punxatawney, PA.
3) President's Day: CANCELLED- this holiday is officially cancelled because of complaints by those who take offense to the electoral college. It is unfair that all the votes do not get counted. So no elected official should be celebrated. Courtesy of Florida '00, Ohio '04, New Mexico '04, and all those people in New York who think their vote should count twice as much as a vote from Indiana.
4) Ash Wednesday: CANCELLED- it seems obvious that to get ash someone has to burn something, therefore hazardous, polluting, ozone depleting smoke is being produced, and we can't have that. Courtesy the Sierra Club, Greenpeace, and people against fire.
5) Mardi Gras: CANCELLED- not enough people actually no what the words “mardi” and “gras” mean, so we can't offend those who do not understand the French language. Also, no other days of the week are called fat. Courtesy RIF, non-French speakers, and overeaters anonymous.
6) St. Patrick's Day: CANCELLED- this holiday cancellation is brought to us by the one Irishmen in Idaho who is a tea-totaller, and by those people who are red-green colorblind. It may be difficult for those people to pickout an oufit on this day. Courtesy AA in Idaho, and those with a natural allergic reaction to the color green.
7) April Fool's Day: CANCELLED- the fools have been made fun of long enough. We must put a stop to fool discrimination no matter what month. August fools don't get celebrated. Courtesy August fools, September fools, October fools, etc.
8) Passover: CANCELLED- individuals who have been passed over for jobs and other promotions may take personal offense to this holiday, ie. Howard Dean, Pete Rose. Also those people who work late-shift may still be in bed when the observance begins at sunset. Courtesy Deaniacs, and the late shift at Waffle House.
9) Easter: CANCELLED- No-brainer, Christianity = BAD. Also, what about Wester, Souther, Norther. Courtesy those who cannot forget the Crusades, and the directionaly challenged.
10) Earth Day: CANCELLED- a holiday is not meant to make any of the nine known planets feel superior to the rest. Equality for all beings from somewhere other than Earth. It should be called Planet Day. Courtesy Martians, and the Raelians.
11) Mother's Day: CANCELLED- What about children who have two daddies? Also the pro-choice crowd thinks that this holiday is some sort of ploy by the pro-life movement. We cannot discriminate against women who have the capacity to be mothers but chose not to be. Courtesy NOW, Planned Parenthood, and the short lived T. V. sitcom “My Two Dads”.
12) Memorial Day: CANCELLED- we should not memoralize illegal, hawkish, brutish thugs. Until there is a holiday to honor those who chose not to serve, this holiday is cancelled. Boardwalk vendors are currently protesting this decision. Courtesy all the rioters at the WTO, and Bill Clinton.
13) Flag Day: CANCELLED- not only do people take offense to this day because they cannot exercise their right of free speech, that is to burn “Old Glory”, but the stripes offend triskaidekaphobiacs. Courtesy members of ELF who are not that concerned with the carcinogenic by-products of burning stuff.
14) Father's Day:CANCELLED- this is an obvious fill in the blank cancellation, children with two moms, women who had children from sperm bank donors, etc. Also women who found it necessary to have upwards of five children all with different fathers find it hard to buy gifts for them all. By the way the Y chromosome will become obsolete eventually anyway. To take a step further than we should, it may also be contstrued as a religious holiday, because it has been heard that Christians refer to God as the father almighty.Courtesy NOW, Amazons, and checkout: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/connected/main.jhtml?xml=/connected/2004/05/12/ecfmi ce12.xml
15) Independence Day: CANCELLED- fireworks are dangerous, the flag may actually offend illegal aliens, and what about those loyalists who still have not gotten over the defeat at Yorktown. We would not want to sadden them again. By the way red, white and blue are so out this year. Courtesy Tijuana, children with sparkler scars, and the fashion channel.
16) Labor Day: CANCELLED- has any one seen the jobless rate lately? It is at about 5%, that means if my math is right, 11 million or so people would be made to feel worse because they do not have a job. We can't have that, and its cancelled in protest of the lack of a $25.00 minimum wage. Courtesy communists, GAP employees, and lazy people.
17) Columbus Day: CANCELLED- everyone knows the Vikings got here first, and there is no Eric the Red Day. It also goes without saying that C.C. brought with him diseases that killed thousands who should all be given restitution. Courtesy Norsemen, all those opposed to your local K.O.C. chapter, and Indian medicine men.
18) Halloween: CANCELLED- big candy companies need to be stopped, diabetics should hide on Oct. 31 no more, and no other multi-deistic religions like the pagans have there own holiday. We find it offensive that parents find it necessary to dress their children in cognito and parade them around neighborhoods like little forced laborers (see Labor Day above). Never mind the fact that the phrase, “trick or treat” may confuse and embarrass prostitutes. Courtesy the anti-big candy wing of truth.com, sex for profit workers of America Local 069, and people who scare easily.
19) Veterans Day: CANCELLED- give peace a chance. If we were nice to everyone then there would be no wars. If there are no wars then there would be no need for a military. If there were no military then there would be no veterans. This holiday perpetuates a cycle of violence. We suggest a “be nice to people” day. Courtesy peaceniks, hippies, goodniks, and just plain out of the closet cowards.
20) Thanksgiving: CANCELLED- we are not completely set on why this should be cancelled. We need to think a little longer...something will come to us...someone has to be offended somewhere...Oh yeah! Turkey are people too! Courtesy PETA, Perdue chicken farmers, and Ben Franklin, who if he got his way, a bald eagle would be on everyone's plate the last Thurs. in November.
21) This holiday offends so many it should not even be written down, you know the one where everyone crowds shopping malls and everyone is supposed to be so friggin' jolly, Bah Humbug!: CANCELLED- this holiday perpetuates the idea that it is okay to be fat by suggesting to everyone to lay out a plate of cookies with a glass of whole milk for a morbidly obese senior citizen (his knees have to hurt). Also, St. Nicholas was not really that nice anyway, (read: http://www.nationalreview.com/jgraham/graham200412230920.asp). Lastly, people are made to feel inferior in places like Quintana Roo, Mexico; Key West, Florida; Queenstown, South Africa; and Labrador, New Zealand where they never have a white Xmas. Screw you Bing Crosby! Courtesy Ebby Scrooge, Michael Newdow, King Herod's ancestors, the people against the manufacturing of frankincence and myrrh (San Francisco Chapter), and everyone who thinks shepards should lay down there crooks and stick it to the man.
Ever Onward,
Name withheld because W. has storm- troopers every where!? Damn cowboy!
posted by Daedalus at 12/19/2006 08:36:00 PM
217 comments
